My life is definitely quite the mess, unlike my room, I like to think of my life as one big disorganized pile of stuff. This big pile of stuff is constantly being added to, sorted through, and many things are either thrown out, mostly unintentionally, or placed in little slightly more organized piles. It is these slightly more organized piles of values and memories that seem to define who I am, despite how undefined I seem to myself. But of the things that I think define me, some things I have really held close. Of those things that I hold close, I find many of them a little ironic. The person who I am today is not who I thought I'd ever be, but there are also things about me that have not changed. For instance, my huge laugh, big smile, and ridiculous volume level are things that I don't think have ever changed about me.
(Those are my cousins on the left, me on the far right, and my bro in the front....I still laugh like that)
If I could go back in time and meet myself when I was half my age now, I guess that would be when I was in middle school...about, how much of who I am now would surprise the me then? How much would we still have in common? How much would we get along? Would I have fascinated the me then? Would I have repulsed them? I'll never know, but regardless, I like who I am now and I'm glad I have changed.
I don't even know where to begin, but I know over the years I have come to many realizations about myself. I have come to understand both my strengths and my weaknesses. I have done things I am not proud of, but I have learned from them too, and I am thankful for the humility that it has given me.
When I was younger I used to have a big mouth with a big foot in it. And I was really judgmental of people too, because my worldview was limited to my oversimplified little world full of only what I had been taught and told and lacking first hand experiences. Boy did that change.
At the same time, I am still that little self-sufficient girl who wants to learn how to do everything herself all on her own. I have that 'can do' attitude that can learn and do anything and is open to trying everything at least once. This is both a great and terrible thing, because not all things should be tried. At the same time, trying things can be very eye opening and because it's not usually regrettable, I just keep on trying.
(Yeah I wanted to be a fireman once cause they're so BA like that.)
I opened my mouth so much and tried and failed so many times, that I have learned to hold my tongue and not crave the limelight. But I have never stopped learning and trying new things, albeit carefully, and I have not stopped talking, albeit less than I used to. I have learned the power behind words and also the gift of timing. I have learned that the world doesn't end when things get left unsaid and that there are always other opportunities to share. You don't have to share everything at once; you can share some now and the rest later.
Something that has never changed is my ADHD. For a time I had convinced myself that it didn't really affect me, but college has a way of pointing out our weaknesses. The first step to growing stronger, is to recognize where you fail. As I began to pay more attention to my actions, I started to notice when I tuned people out, or did way too much of the talking. Since then I have become a better listener, shutting up when I realize I've done most of the talking, and tuning in when I catch myself tuning out. This is something I had never done before in my life and it's a change I'm proud of.
I also struggled so much to accept some people and worldviews that were different from my own. I guess part of this came from my Christian background, but I'm glad to say that my fear of anything different has radically changed. I suppose I can thank all those summers I spent living around people who had almost nothing in common with me to learn this lesson, but somewhere along the lines I realized that I could let go. I could stop feeling responsible for other people and just let people be. The only thing I had the right to change and the responsibility for...was myself; people are responsible for themselves and had to make their own decisions. But that principle has set me free; I can love and appreciate people for who they are because they have so much to offer even though they are different.
It's odd, but I've always thought of myself as an open person who could talk to people about anything. But I also always set myself apart from them: "Oh well that's cool, but I could never believe that/think that/do that myself." It's when I finally realized my potential to be no different that anyone else---that anything could have happened to me or that I could have done anything myself---that I truly stopped being so afraid of others. Instead of just tolerated the existence of anything different, I started to really understand and identify with others. I was no better than anyone else and to realize this is a change I'm proud of.
Another thing I learned, was to not be so afraid of myself. I was always really critical and harsh on myself. Isn't that kind of strange? I was pretty hard on other people, but I was also really hard on myself. It was a mistake to think that because I was hard on myself, I could be hard on others. They don't balance each other out at all. And being hard on yourself is just no good. I battled with depression for many years of my life because I was soooo sooo hard on myself. I criticized everything, especially my self image and body image. I was afraid of my own body; I hated seeing myself naked in a mirror before entering the shower even though there really was nothing wrong with me. I was a freakin' twig haha >_>
(100% pure twig)
I was also always afraid of what others thought of me, and if I thought that it was no good, I knew nothing else but self-pity and anger. I was angry at myself, angry at others, and it would turn into pity. All I could do was cry. I don't know how, but somewhere along the lines this changed too and thank the Lord for it. At some point I decided for my own sanity to just STOP freakin' worrying about everything because I'm probably just fine. I also gained the power to remind myself, "don't cry," because GOD FREAKIN LOVES ME (and you too!) and doesn't want me to cry. And also, I know it sounds crazy, but no matter how many times people told me how great, big, wide, and deep God's love for us was, I didn't understand His love nor could I comprehend it until one day my depression was so bad, I swear God finally showed it to me. I cried for hours because it was so overwhelming I didn't feel like I deserved it. And that's the day I realized how great it was, because no one deserves His love, but He loves us anyway.
Apart from that, I finally grasped that I could stop being so hard on myself because it was destroying me and everyone around me. The harder I was on myself, the harder I was on others, and the more miserable I felt. If I didn't forgive myself and stop analyzing myself, then I would cease to really live anymore. It probably would have driven me to death, but I didn't let it, because I chose to stop and put security in it's place. Does that even work? Can you literally choose security? Well even if I fail by confidence, I still learn from confidence. It has been radically empowering for me, and for that I am happy.
But more than that, nothing has empowered me more, than enduring and moving beyond the most painful thing to have ever happened to me in my entire life. I pulled myself out of a really rough spot in my life. I was doing things I should not have been doing, but when those things were suddenly gone from my life, I had to learn to live with the choices I had made and how to live without and beyond them. I had lost someone that I truly loved; I had been thrown away, out of the blue, just like that. It's like one moment you're holding hands and laughing together and in the next instant that same person yanking away from you and punching you in the face. It leaves you broken and lost for words. I had never felt so much heartbreak, pain, hatred, confusion, regret, and shame in my whole life. Yes I felt all those things, and here I am, alive, well, and still living. I had even considered suicide a few times during that time, which was not that long ago. But when you come out of something like that, it's as if nothing can shake you. Your body image and self image don't matter anymore. You ten times as fearless and confident than you were before. And boy are you so much more loving and kind to others, because you're no better than anyone else. You are capable of failing in all the ways that anyone else is. You think that so-and-so is so horrible, but you're no different....and guess what?! God love you. So guess who else God loves? Everyone else...including the man that broke your heart. Ouch. That's how great, wide, long, and deep God's love is for us. It's that incredible and unconditional it is. No one else can or will ever love you as much as God does.
(D'awwwww, how can you not love that?)
And if there's one other thing that I am thankful for, it's how God has been teaching me about himself over all these years. God has given me not only reasons to believe, but truth to cling to. If there is one irrefutable truth (which sounds a little redundant, but...) it is the truth of Jesus. We can argue all we want about the nature of creation, or sin, or heaven and hell, but one thing that is undeniable to me is Jesus and His saving power and grace. If you should start anywhere with Christianity, start with the life and person of Jesus Christ. I highly recommend reading "Heaven is For Real" if you get the chance because it changed my life. As crazy as it sounds, if you pretend for a moment that heaven is really real (which is something I really believe), it changes everything. And on top of that, if you pretend that Jesus really can save you so you can really truly enter the awesome amazing paradise that is heaven, it changes your whole life. If this is all really true, then dang, Christianity is frickin' awesome! And I want to tell people how awesome Jesus and heaven are! I want everyone to go with me, because it's awesome and it'd be sad without them.
For some people, it's hard to get past the followers of Christ themselves. The famous quote of Gandhi's comes to mind, "I would be Christian if it weren't for the Christians," but what they need to know is that's because God welcomes all to His kingdom. There is no such thing as a perfect Christian, because everyone in this world trying to figure it all out. I'm still trying to figure it all out. Heck, I've had to deal with the fact that my ex deserves to go to heaven as much as I do, which is not at all. No Christian deserves to go to heaven, because no one does. That's why we need Christ. We can't enter heaven without him. I'm thankful for how real God has made all of this to me and I hope he does or has done the same for you. Everyone is on a journey to seek the truth, so I hope you find it because nothing is more comforting than the truth. I'm learning more and more about it's importance everyday, because I know how much it sucks to live without it. For coming to understand this by age 21 I am also thankful. (Annnnnnnnd Song!)
P.S. If you made it through this entire rant, then I want to thank you. Not even my computer battery could handle it; my laptop died on the last sentence, no joke haha (but it is funny ._.). I hope that at least one thing I have said will empower you in some way. On a side note, here is one of the many crazy things I did for my 21st birthday. I would tell you about the other stuff, but that's a story for after I graduate...ha!
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