Reflections Upon Becoming 21...

I know I haven't posted a blog in quite some time, and it's been for a number of reasons, particularly because I have been busy, however I've also been musing about many things lately and have not been quite sure what to share with you first. Upon becoming 21 years old lately, I felt that this was something I could not pass up sharing with you, since after all, our culture views this age as some strange right of passage for whatever reason. Regardless, I have been reflecting a lot lately on who I am now as opposed to who I once was.

My life is definitely quite the mess, unlike my room, I like to think of my life as one big disorganized pile of stuff. This big pile of stuff is constantly being added to, sorted through, and many things are either thrown out,  mostly unintentionally, or placed in little slightly more organized piles. It is these slightly more organized piles of values and memories that seem to define who I am, despite how undefined I seem to myself. But of the things that I think define me, some things I have really held close. Of those things that I hold close, I find many of them a little ironic. The person who I am today is not who I thought I'd ever be, but there are also things about me that have not changed. For instance, my huge laugh, big smile, and ridiculous volume level are things that I don't think have ever changed about me.

(Those are my cousins on the left, me on the far right, and my bro in the front....I still laugh like that)

If I could go back in time and meet myself when I was half my age now, I guess that would be when I was in middle school...about, how much of who I am now would surprise the me then? How much would we still have in common? How much would we get along? Would I have fascinated the me then? Would I have repulsed them? I'll never know, but regardless, I like who I am now and I'm glad I have changed. 

I don't even know where to begin, but I know over the years I have come to many realizations about myself. I have come to understand both my strengths and my weaknesses. I have done things I am not proud of, but I have learned from them too, and I am thankful for the humility that it has given me. 

When I was younger I used to have a big mouth with a big foot in it. And I was really judgmental of people too, because my worldview was limited to my oversimplified little world full of only what I had been taught and told and lacking first hand experiences. Boy did that change.

At the same time, I am still that little self-sufficient girl who wants to learn how to do everything herself all on her own. I have that 'can do' attitude that can learn and do anything and is open to trying everything at least once. This is both a great and terrible thing, because not all things should be tried. At the same time, trying things can be very eye opening and because it's not usually regrettable, I just keep on trying.

 

(Yeah I wanted to be a fireman once cause they're so BA like that.)

I opened my mouth so much and tried and failed so many times, that I have learned to hold my tongue and not crave the limelight. But I have never stopped learning and trying new things, albeit carefully, and I have not stopped talking, albeit less than I used to. I have learned the power behind words and also the gift of timing. I have learned that the world doesn't end when things get left unsaid and that there are always other opportunities to share. You don't have to share everything at once; you can share some now and the rest later.

Something that has never changed is my ADHD. For a time I had convinced myself that it didn't really affect me, but college has a way of pointing out our weaknesses. The first step to growing stronger, is to recognize where you fail. As I began to pay more attention to my actions, I started to notice when I tuned people out, or did way too much of the talking. Since then I have become a better listener, shutting up when I realize I've done most of the talking, and tuning in when I catch myself tuning out. This is something I had never done before in my life and it's a change I'm proud of.

I also struggled so much to accept some people and worldviews that were different from my own. I guess part of this came from my Christian background, but I'm glad to say that my fear of anything different has radically changed. I suppose I can thank all those summers I spent living around people who had almost nothing in common with me to learn this lesson, but somewhere along the lines I realized that I could let go. I could stop feeling responsible for other people and just let people be. The only thing I had the right to change and the responsibility for...was myself; people are responsible for themselves and had to make their own decisions. But that principle has set me free; I can love and appreciate people for who they are because they have so much to offer even though they are different.

It's odd, but I've always thought of myself as an open person who could talk to people about anything. But I also always set myself apart from them: "Oh well that's cool, but I could never believe that/think that/do that myself." It's when I finally realized my potential to be no different that anyone else---that anything could have happened to me or that I could have done anything myself---that I truly stopped being so afraid of others. Instead of just tolerated the existence of anything different, I started to really understand and identify with others. I was no better than anyone else and to realize this is a change I'm proud of.

Another thing I learned, was to not be so afraid of myself. I was always really critical and harsh on myself. Isn't that kind of strange? I was pretty hard on other people, but I was also really hard on myself. It was a mistake to think that because I was hard on myself, I could be hard on others. They don't balance each other out at all. And being hard on yourself is just no good. I battled with depression for many years of my life because I was soooo sooo hard on myself. I criticized everything, especially my self image and body image. I was afraid of my own body; I hated seeing myself naked in a mirror before entering the shower even though there really was nothing wrong with me. I was a freakin' twig haha >_>

        

(100% pure twig)

I was also always afraid of what others thought of me, and if I thought that it was no good, I knew nothing else but self-pity and anger. I was angry at myself, angry at others, and it would turn into pity. All I could do was cry. I don't know how, but somewhere along the lines this changed too and thank the Lord for it. At some point I decided for my own sanity to just STOP freakin' worrying about everything because I'm probably just fine. I also gained the power to remind myself, "don't cry," because GOD FREAKIN LOVES ME (and you too!) and doesn't want me to cry. And also, I know it sounds crazy, but no matter how many times people told me how great, big, wide, and deep God's love for us was, I didn't understand His love nor could I comprehend it until one day my depression was so bad, I swear God finally showed it to me. I cried for hours because it was so overwhelming I didn't feel like I deserved it. And that's the day I realized how great it was, because no one deserves His love, but He loves us anyway.

Apart from that, I finally grasped that I could stop being so hard on myself because it was destroying me and everyone around me. The harder I was on myself, the harder I was on others, and the more miserable I felt. If I didn't forgive myself and stop analyzing myself, then I would cease to really live anymore. It probably would have driven me to death, but I didn't let it, because I chose to stop and put security in it's place. Does that even work? Can you literally choose security? Well even if I fail by confidence, I still learn from confidence. It has been radically empowering for me, and for that I am happy.

But more than that, nothing has empowered me more, than enduring and moving beyond the most painful thing to have ever happened to me in my entire life. I pulled myself out of a really rough spot in my life. I was doing things I should not have been doing, but when those things were suddenly gone from my life, I had to learn to live with the choices I had made and how to live without and beyond them. I had lost someone that I truly loved; I had been thrown away, out of the blue, just like that. It's like one moment you're holding hands and laughing together and in the next instant that same person yanking away from you and punching you in the face. It leaves you broken and lost for words. I had never felt so much heartbreak, pain, hatred, confusion, regret, and shame in my whole life. Yes I felt all those things, and here I am, alive, well, and still living. I had even considered suicide a few times during that time, which was not that long ago. But when you come out of something like that, it's as if nothing can shake you. Your body image and self image don't matter anymore. You ten times as fearless and confident than you were before. And boy are you so much more loving and kind to others, because you're no better than anyone else. You are capable of failing in all the ways that anyone else is. You think that so-and-so is so horrible, but you're no different....and guess what?! God love you. So guess who else God loves? Everyone else...including the man that broke your heart. Ouch. That's how great, wide, long, and deep God's love is for us. It's that incredible and unconditional it is. No one else can or will ever love you as much as God does.

(D'awwwww, how can you not love that?)

And if there's one other thing that I am thankful for, it's how God has been teaching me about himself over all these years. God has given me not only reasons to believe, but truth to cling to. If there is one irrefutable truth (which sounds a little redundant, but...) it is the truth of Jesus. We can argue all we want about the nature of creation, or sin, or heaven and hell, but one thing that is undeniable to me is Jesus and His saving power and grace. If you should start anywhere with Christianity, start with the life and person of Jesus Christ. I highly recommend reading "Heaven is For Real" if you get the chance because it changed my life. As crazy as it sounds, if you pretend for a moment that heaven is really real (which is something I really believe), it changes everything. And on top of that, if you pretend that Jesus really can save you so you can really truly enter the awesome amazing paradise that is heaven, it changes your whole life. If this is all really true, then dang, Christianity is frickin' awesome! And I want to tell people how awesome Jesus and heaven are! I want everyone to go with me, because it's awesome and it'd be sad without them. 

For some people, it's hard to get past the followers of Christ themselves. The famous quote of Gandhi's comes to mind, "I would be Christian if it weren't for the Christians," but what they need to know is that's because God welcomes all to His kingdom. There is no such thing as a perfect Christian, because everyone in this world trying to figure it all out. I'm still trying to figure it all out. Heck, I've had to deal with the fact that my ex deserves to go to heaven as much as I do, which is not at all. No Christian deserves to go to heaven, because no one does. That's why we need Christ. We can't enter heaven without him. I'm thankful for how real God has made all of this to me and I hope he does or has done the same for you. Everyone is on a journey to seek the truth, so I hope you find it because nothing is more comforting than the truth. I'm learning more and more about it's importance everyday, because I know how much it sucks to live without it. For coming to understand this by age 21 I am also thankful. (Annnnnnnnd Song!)

P.S. If you made it through this entire rant, then I want to thank you. Not even my computer battery could handle it; my laptop died on the last sentence, no joke haha (but it is funny ._.). I hope that at least one thing I have said will empower you in some way. On a side note, here is one of the many crazy things I did for my 21st birthday. I would tell you about the other stuff, but that's a story for after I graduate...ha!

WhY i ThInK MoAr Of uS NeEd To ReLaX

As you get older you may (or may not ._. ) find that life is complicated. Between all the politics, world affairs, philosophical and theological questions, and all the concerns and stresses of life, it can begin to feel overwhelming. Take for example this upcoming presidential election >_> Nuff said. Or perhaps you feel overwhelmed by ALL THE THINGS, and you just wish you could halp all the things, or do all the things, or be all the things! But life is too short for them all, sadly. Life can be so serious that it's suffocating (hopefully not literally >_>, please see the post script) and that's why I think more of us need to defy it and relax. Life is too short to have a stick up your bum, so don't.

(Does that look pleasant to you?? Nuh uh.)

Honestly I'm of the opinion that when we let go and be a little more spontaneous and strange, life is more fun and interesting. We may even finally achieve world peace. I kid, but still... even a serious person, who takes what they do seriously, can still enjoy it (which I have to say I admire) and can be a little spontaneous and full awesome. Take for example a science major who somehow still has friends, a life, and decides to perform in a variety show (which in this case is referring to more than one person I know); you have to admit that's pretty fantastic. Luckily, someone actually managed to get one instance of this on camera! :D

(the Houghton siren really does need to die a horrible chain-saw related death)

Speaking of a variety show, last night our school hosted one and some old folks from the class of '77 sang a few cynical songs about our college and one guy used his hands to fart the song "Jesus Loves Me This I know."

(I found this on the intertubes with my magic powers!)

This is what I mean: they're Christian, they're serious about their faith, and yet they can still relax and have fun. All they wanted was to show they are interesting and relatable. It's very relieving to meet people who know how to relax, have fun, and be themselves amongst all the seriousness in life.

("I MADE THIS FOR YOU!" - Julian Smith)

When you choose to relax, you let go of fears, you let go of expectations, you let go of self-consciousness, and stress, and commitments, and hatred, and instead you choose joy, patience, peace, freedom, tolerance, acceptance, and love. Of course, take my advice with a grain of salt. I don't want to know what relaxing looks like if it's taken too far, but I hope you know what I mean.

For your daily dose of tautologies: Relaxing song is relaxing (Also, epic Chris Field is epic).

P.S. Speaking of fun and strange things, this is a video I made like 5 years ago that I still can't believe I made. For a little background, I had a youtube channel (still do) that was subscribed to College Humor which did a parody of the "Sham wow" guy, Vince, trying to sell things in jail. It lead me to watch all the remixes of the slap chop infomercial and I was laughing so hard, the next thing you know, I was somehow inspired to throw together all my favorite parts into one video. Not to mention a little bit of the college humor parody mixed with a little of the emo song. You could say thinking of life made me think of the ending to the emo song and then I went on a little adventure trying to find this video on my external hard-drive! It's so ridiculous I didn't have the bravery to post it to youtube, but I would appreciate it if you just sat back, relaxed, and enjoyed it regardless of your reservations.... now then:

(this will be our little secret >_>)

Five Things You Can Do After a Bum Day

Five things I like to do when I'm having one of those days:

1. Don't feel obligated if it's not an obligation:

Sometimes, after you're feeling overwhelmed, overcommitted, or overworked, you have to say no to stuff. That's not to say you should slack off from your responsibilities, such as going to work, or class, or taking care of your grandparents or something like that, but if it's not an obligation, don't do it if you're forcing yourself to. For instance, it's silly to make yourself feed your children if you're not really excited about it (kidding, but you get the idea).

(Please, babies can feed themselves, jk jk)

Sometimes this also means letting go of things you intended to do if there's really no time to do them. This is sort of like prioritizing your goals and focusing your energy into a few of them. Maybe some day you can return to that goal later, but if there's really no time to devote to it, then maybe now isn't the time. It's better to stick with just a few things and put your time and energy into those than spread yourself thin and accomplish nothing.

Additionally, it's better to devote your time things that are more meaningful and purposeful. I was reading about this in a blog called Zenhabits the other day about how we should make everything we do count, and it got me thinking about some of the things I do that aren't serving a purpose for me in my life. For instance, I would go to such-and-such a club if I weren't so busy, but if I'm not really having fun, or making friends, or learning anything when I do go, then is there really a point for me to go? That's not to say someone else can't enjoy it, but that it's just not for me.

Finally, make your goals realistic and don't be obligated to something if it's unrealistic. Find out what's really important to you, and stick with that. In general, if it's more realistic, it's going to be more beneficial too.

2. Be spontaneous, be silly:

This is a big one for me. There's nothing like letting yourself have a little fun or be a little goofy in the midst of all the regular ho-hum in life. Even if there's no time to sit down and play a board game or watch a movie, there's always time to skip-and-flail or be a little silly, even when it's something you have to do. Or instead of being silly, just do something unusual for you, something you wouldn't normally do, like taking a hot bath or reading something that puts you at ease. Besides, who is going to stop you, really? NO ONE CAN STOP ME! MWAHAHAHAHAAAAA! >:D (kidding)

(I DO WHAT I WANT!)

3. Let icky things roll off you like you're rain-x:

In other words don't over-analyze things so much. Sometimes when things go wrong, it's not just about "forgiving yourself", but not blaming yourself either. Often times it's best to just not blame anyone all together. As you do this, you'll start to notice how much others do this too; people just aren't interested in analyzing every little thing and that's pretty liberating to me. It's even more liberating to implement this around people who tend to over-analyze things; it shows them that they can relax a little and let more go. Relax, it's [probably] going to be ok.

(Be one with the rain-x.....haha)

What can be even more liberating, is when you choose to let go of control; controlling other people and situations. You'll find that stepping back from control is another way of giving yourself a break. You don't always have to have things your way, and sometimes tagging along for the ride can be an adventure! Plus, when you agree that it's okay to disagree, you have decided that peace is more important to you. Isn't peace what you need when you're stressed?

Another way of looking at this idea is this: hold onto what is good, find the good in things. Don't focus so much on what isn't good, and focus instead on what is. Choose to be happy. Sometimes, happiness must be a choice.

4. Moan for a while, then maybe laugh a little too and... Practice some perspective:

It sounds odd, I know, but sometimes when I'm stressed, the only way to express it is find a private place, sit on my floor, and just moan and roar. Besides, who is going to stop me? Who is it really hurting? Obviously this does nothing to really change or fix a situation, but neither does crying, although sometimes crying leads to self-pity or anger, and that can actually make things worse. But moaning? Moaning is actually pretty hilarious. When I moan, I start to laugh too, because it's hilarious to me that I have been driven to it. It's so strange that  its actually funny. Laughing is actually very therapeutic. I think there is something in existence called laugh therapy. Check it out:

(it's hard to imagine who wouldn't laugh at this >_>)

After a bit of moaning, I start to laugh, laugh at my moaning, at myself, and in the end, I laugh at my problems all together. And I don't mean to minimize whatever you're going through, but isn't it almost always true that it could be worse? Of course, I'm sure someone, somewhere out there has it so bad that they're not sure it could be worse, and if you are that person, I hope something I have said was in at least some way helpful; I'm sorry if it wasn't. May you find that even with the bad can come a little good :)

If you find that crying makes you feel better, than go for it, by all means cry! But if you find that crying makes you feel worse, and I've been there, follow these important steps: 1) think about someone who cares about you and doesn't want you to cry and 2) hear their voice say to you gently, "don't cry", because that person wouldn't want you to cry. Works for me every time.

Now for the fifth and final option...

5. Do Something Productive:

When you've had a bum day, one of the few things that can always redeem it is simply by doing something productive. There's nothing like getting some basic chores out of the way to make me feel a bit better, whether it's doing my laundry, cleaning my room, filling out paperwork, mailing something important, cashing that check I got a while ago, or even just sitting down to read that book I kept telling myself I'd finish. The idea here is that by doing a few productive things you can give your life a sense of order and control again, even if only a little. It is also a great way to put all that anxious energy into use/practice/whatever-you'd-like to-call-it. My mom says that every now and then I go into what she calls "white whirlwind mode," where I just go on a productivity rampage all on my own. I find it to be... therapeutic to say the least. It also gives me a warrant to finally relax:  "So some things didn't go right today, but I did these good things, so now I'm going to relax for the day. Done."

Also, go to bed you little nincompoop. I know this was a long one, but I hope that helps, even if only a little :) Also, a song for you!

P.S. My roommate put point #2 into practice by yelling, "GO BACK FROM WHENCE YOU CAME!" to her proofs homework while throwing it on the ground. She is amazing XD Also, this blog made me late to something again, only this time I don't win the internet, but at least it was optional :P Also, here is a great going to the store spoof!:

(so many spoofs, so many O_O)

The Adventures of Journaling for the Webnetz!

Hello again folks! Although I haven't been getting many visits just yet, my goal here is to blog as much as possible regardless if anyone is reading >_> it'll be an adventure~! :D So already I have decided to paint myself as, at the very least, a half-insane individual, but what else can I share with you that you might want to know?

Well first off, I am in no way unique. I mean, I am a white American going to college after all, with all sorts of hopes and dreams but no real focus or ambition (don't worry, I'm working on it, my ethnicity that is, jk jk). Still, I do hope that one day I'll be a superstar snowboarding, Spanish speaking, drum and guitar playing, Easter Screech Owl owning, biologist machine (as well as, perhaps, a well known blogger, but that's just a bonus >_>) ... I kid. Although to a degree, if that's what I could become right now, I think I would do it. The sad truth is, probably only a fraction of my plans will every come to fruition (with that attitude you say? hahaha). However, even if I don't become a superstar snowboarder, I'm sure it will always be a part of my life now that I finally have my own gear (heck yeah!!). The same probably goes for Spanish and biology, although I'm pretty sure owning my own Screech Owl would be illegal >:] It would be a red morph, naturally:

(I mean come on, look at how adorable it is! :3)

Well, that aside, I'm glad to finally have this blog going since I've been contemplating making one for a least a few years now. For one thing, bookface just doesn't cut it. No one wants to hear you ramble about your life in a status; that's what blogs are for. The same goes for Twitter, but I haven't bothered with that! The other benefit is that I can remain fairly anonymous (aside from the few individuals I know that I've chosen to let in on my little blogging secret hehehe), so I can pretty much DO WHAT I WANT! HAHAHA to a degree lol. 

            

                                             (The story of my life)                                                   (Whatever: a Minnesotan staple)

My plan isn't to bash people, but to tell an interesting story to an impartial audience, even if it is to the wind (figuratively). It's also in general less limiting, so that my stories can be open to the world and not just my little circle. I'd almost like to think of it as an open diary with an unknown author; which is just a win-win situation in my opinion. Kind of like picking up a long forgotten book by a long forgotten person that is actually quite brilliant (almost like books by Raymond Feist! Seriously, go read his books)...but will this be a brilliant blog or a hunormous flog (a ginormous-humongous flopping blog)? What if I make it a cross between Cracked.com and Hyperbole and a Half?!? Didn't see that one coming did yah? Mwahahaha!

You're also probably wondering what fengdegushi means in my blogspot address and why???? Haha well first of all, 'Tales', 'Tale and Adventures', and 'Tales and Adventures to the Wind' or any combination of those words with underscores and numbers furthermore, were not available. So naturally I asked my roommate to translate it into Mandarin, naturally. Of course, feng de gu shi isn't in Chinese but rather is the pronunciation, if that wasn't already obvious (zenme zheme ben a!). Depending on the way you say feng it can either mean "Story of the Wind" or it can actually mean "Crazy Story"! Which is ironically just as true and the first meaning. It was so fantastic, that I simply couldn't resist making it my blogspot address...except for one problem: fengdegushi, with or without underscores, was already taken. Thus it became fengdegushi1. Any more numbers than that and I'm not so sure what my address would have been. Adding a 1 wasn't so bad though, and so there you have it!

May the Tales and Adventures commence! (Annnnnnd Song!)

P.S. This blog made me 25 minutes late to my Field Botany Lab (5 hours of grueling, tedious plant collecting and pressing) and I made it just in time before we left! All I do is win win win, no matter what what what (jk jk haha), but seriously ._. I win the internet!

(and yes I own this song, like a boss...)

First BLARG for the INTERBLAG!

I'm not sure where to begin. Everybody likes to think they're special, but I'm going to go ahead and say that I think I'm pretty special (define special you say? hahaha). Theres' gotta be room somewhere for an ego, right? Just between you, me, and the cat's whiskers, I'm pretty sure I'm crazy. Let's start with a few random facts to demonstrate my insanity:

1. I've got bad hearing and a bad memory; conversations with me are an adventure. To top it off, I'm pretty sure I have what I like to call "hearing dyslexia". This is where you say one thing, and it garbles into something completely different and hilariously wrong. For instance, my roommate says: "This nectarine is getting softer~!" and I hear, "The snack train is getting softer?" That's only a mild example.
2. I struggle with personal identity: I know that probably goes for a lot of people these days, but I mean I struggle with my identity, especially when I find that I'm talking to myself, or notice that my personality changes depending on who I'm with, or when my laugh changes nature for the 100th time...
3. I am so loud and have no self-control once you get me to laugh. Everyone I've ever met will tell me to take it down a notch. I'm sorry but I literally can't help it. And yes, my laugh changes whether or not someone else on earth has ever laughed like me.
4. I'm a floater and I get all the jokes but couldn't tell one to save my life. At the very least, I'm not a half bad storyteller, especially since I have crazy dreams and a strange imagination.
5. I DO WHAT I WANT, YOLO (just kidding) ...but seriously ._.
6. Sometimes I have the urge to be a rebel, like blurting out irrelevant things or dressing up in costume every single day (I wish).
7. Some days I wish I could play the drums like a bad a--, or throw knives, or fly around on a hovering monocycle (I must be craving Shadowrun right about now).
   
    
   (Men in Black 3 anyone?)
8. Some days I like to feel pretty and dainty. Some days I'll be shouting crude words from my dorm room, cackling at morbid Happy Wheels videos, and have urges to play Jak 2 and 3.
9. I don't know what to even think of myself. My self concept seems to be multi-faceted, returning us back to point #2.
10. My life has no particular routine, other than perhaps checking facebook or my email way too often (I need to get a life). On-the-other-hand I tend to have obsessive behaviors, such as editing this blog at least 20 times or watching every episode of Avatar the Last Airbender in existence within a matter of days. In fact, I'm surprised I'm not more addicted to minecraft, but I'm sure once my brother gives me Skyrim for Christmas, I probably won't have a life for a least a few weeks...

Dear G-d is this blog linked to my school email? The idea here is to make this an anonymous blog. Freedom of expression and no cares to give. To go beyond the limited reaches of this small college campus to the world outside. Don't call me desperate, but it might be true (shrug). Since I have somewhat exhausted the interest of the people directly around me, the interblag seemed like the next best place (xkcd! http://xkcd.com/181/). I will probably fail to be very original or interesting, but I hope you find me original and interesting all the same. 

And so I'll set my Tales and Adventures to the Wind. Huzzah! (Annnnnnd Song!)

P.S. Griffin the galactic unicorn man is my hero:

(another reason you should see Men in Black 3)